Jun 27, 2017

June is fading into July once more. There is some small amount of grieving at the passage of time as I look back and realize that I am no longer the child that I thought that I would always remain. Things change, people grow up, relationships shift, and Junes always fade into Julys. Yet Christ, Christ, Christ--Christ remains the same, and it is enough.

I think that His steadiness has been the only anchor in my soul lately as surrender calls me to sever my ties and draw further up and further in--pushing forward, ever forward, towards Christ. I know that He is always going to be enough, but I fear the cut. I fear the moment when all that I have set up as idols in my life fall to the ground in ashes--because I always forget what it is like to look up and see Christ standing there, in all of His awesome wonder, in all of His glory. I tend to remember pain really well--I can feel the cut of losing someone, but I so often forget the miracle of finding them again and knowing them better than before.

I know that it is worth it, though. It always has been. And faith is not about forgetting that it hurts and jumping blindly into nothingness. Faith is gritting your teeth against the pain, pushing forward through the doubt, not allowing the voices in your head to rule your life. It's an action. It is gripping onto the spoken truth that Christ will walk every step with you, even when He feels so far away.

And what joy! I am beginning to understand what it means to rejoice in all trials, for every trial continually draws me closer to the One who gives joy. Honestly? I didn't understand the love of God so well until I received the sharpness of a broken heart to leave me gaping and vulnerable enough to know that love is unconditional. I didn't understand that God would never leave until everyone seemed to leave and I was left in the darkness groping around for His hand. I didn't understand that He was the Man of All Sorrows until sorrow was heavy on my shoulders like a black cloud about to rain.

And so, I see, joy is birthed out of sorrow. Joy is birthed out of pain and trial. It is like when you light a candle in a bright room--it doesn't mean much. But if you shut out the lights and close the curtains until it is pitch black, that candle is shown for what it is--a sword to slice the darkness in two.

The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death, upon them a light has shined. --Isaiah 9:2
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